word to the wise

why do you insist on trying to be my friend?

i don't trust you, i don't like anything you do, and i hate your face to the point of gruesome fascination with your larger than life gum-to-tooth ratio party you have going on in your mouth. i have no desire to talk to you, to hang out with you, to see you when i come back to visit the south. to even think about you makes me want to punch walls. any wall. pick one, and i'd like to wreak havoc upon it and it's immediate family.

i get that everyone has moved on, and that you have a boyfriend, and that you have settled in to atlanta and evidently gained some "i'm comfortable with me" weight. but that does NOT constitute you sending me a friend request on a non-confrontational internet networking facilitator so that you can somehow pry your way into a life that has nothing to do with you. i'm not saying you're consumed with the thought of who i am. i'm saying you're curious about the woman you never were to the boy that you loved unrequited, and because you made the conscious decision to sleep with with that boy while i was across the country, we can never be friends.

cause you would do that again. and i know this, because i'm not the only girl you have pushed aside to make yourself feel better about your ailing career and gummy smile. you would do it again, cause secretly, you will always hate me, and that's the only way you can get back at me for someone liking me better than you. the same way i will always you.

ladies, if you fuck another girl's boyfriend and then lie about it, talk about it behind their back, and then try and rationalize your poor decisions in a letter to that girl, please use your common sense and don't try to reach out to her. no matter what, even if she does "accept" your apology or friend request, inevitably it will be because of the age old adage... keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.

in my world, i don't keep enemies close at all. fuck enemies. it takes too much of my precious energy to hate you, and it pisses me off i spent so much time being curious about your sorry, boring life. we will never be friends, and i will never voluntarily talk to you, ever. we have nothing to talk about except the size of our mutual ex's member. and that makes for a very awkward conversation, doesn't it then.

so no. i do not accept. i laughed, right after i vomited a little in my mouth.

xo-

k.

survey says... ironyyy

sometimes things are found without even wanting them, among things that have already been there. what thick skulls must we have never to be aware of this, of the creeping possibilities that lie underneath the text...

how do you know if you have found everything you have ever wanted? does a feeling of content wash over you, like them music in a movie, where all problems have been solved and a catchy little jingle fills in the cracks? is there sunshine and dancing and wine, like at weddings? well, most weddings. i've yet to be at one that has rained, but i'm pretty sure the first one i will attend that does will be my own.

i moved to boston to be alone. to get away from the life i had created, to build something different, and something new. i do not regret this. do i miss my old life? yes. it was comfortable and safe and i had steady work and people knew me at my favorite bars and i had a loft full of things that i called my own. so yes, i will answer that question with an affirmative. but. do i love my new life?

yes. i love being alone again and not my students' psychiatrist, or my boyfriend's crutch. i love being able to live (although sparse) in a 15x20 ft room, and having almost all my worldly possessions fit inside... and not worry about how i will transport anything on my next move. i am happy to be alone, even though sometimes, like anyone else, i complain about it.

i sailed this ship into port. i'm aware that all of this around me is my doing. i accept that.

and with as little as i have, i want everything in the world. i want to dance again, and choreograph. i want to teach and learn new ways to describe things to people. i want to be in love and find someone who will laugh with me and fuck me til i shiver in the same breath. i want a loft and a dog and possibly, some kids. we'll see about the kids. but everything else... bring it on.

but how do you know when you have that? the only things i have ever been certain of ever are ballet and death. these two things i know i will do within my life. but what about everything else in between? i certainly have no prior track record to draw from, seeing as that i have never had a relationship that i can look back on and say, "yeah, i think that was pretty stable." none of them were stable. i haven't made enormous amounts of money, nor have i done anything mark-making on my career.

to sum things up: i haven't yet found what i'm searching for. and ironically enough, i think what i'm searching for is the answer to this question: how will i know when i found it? so therefore, i'm not seeking out what it is i want, but just to know the affirmative feeling of when it's there.

i gotta go. i think i just blew a brain fuse.

k.

and the numbers fly by

day by day by day.

k.

wow... she lives

it's been one month and some odd days since i've been able to use my computer. even now, i am using my roommate's, because i can't connect to the internet with my now fresh-faced hard drive (i lost everything, all my music and photos and EVeryThingggg). i have watched my brother get married, come back to reality and was fortunate enough to have my best friend visit me (and drink for about five days straight), and work enough to kill a mule.
i am tired, broke, and alone again. i don't so much mind the alone part, but i'd like some money in compensation. why doesn't the government just give the single ladies a stipend? just to make us not have to work 100 hours a week.
oh, my fantastical mind. how lovely these things would be. they would at least afford me the time to go back to ballet class.

until the next time i can connect to the internet...

k.