GLAD girl

i feel like you can
see
right through me, my
lies don't stretch as
far as my legs can. and
then i think, well, if
i'm as sheer as pantyhose
(not the ones you buy
at duane reade, the
ones that estate sales purge
for $.50) then what the fuck?
where do i go
from being a pretty girl
who has nice words?
what will you think
of me when you
see
the ugly?
it's 7 am and
i'm still catching my breath, still
clinging to the clock.
i wish you were here, but
i'm glad you are not.
oh, me, the one with
dreams like moon-tides and
a glass wall so thick...
i'll give this up
soon enough.

~k.

better

i wonder what it was like to know you forever ago, before all the cracks started to happen and the unhappiness set into your bones like stale jell-o, before you decided to be so so cool and talk about all things macabre; back when you had normal hair and a blank body. i think to myself, hey, i guess everyone has their own way of validating themselves but i know in the bottom of my ribcage it's all a lie, you're all a lie... it's been too long since we've talked but in a thousand ways not long enough because i know all the terrible things you did to me and then after thinking them you blamed me for not being able to let go even though, that too is a lie, because how can you let go of something that was never even there to begin with, even i know that all you were was an image of who i wanted you to be and you let me think that because again, you thought it was cooler than what you could ever be. i have questions like, have you ever heard that song and couldn't help thinking of me for hours afterwards even though you hate that song now and you hate me even more for being the umbrella in THAT cocktail... but not too many questions because even though it's been hard it hasn't been impossible to regain the little dignity i had when you washed me down the drain, just like that.

now what i like to do is write pretty words about a boy i never really knew, because at least i know something came out of it that people can read and ask themselves why we have to go through bad hallways to get to really nice rooms, why the sky has been grey for two days but the sun's all like, move over bitches, i'm going to show you why you love days that i dominate. maybe someone will be helped and it makes all of everything that you never were to me, better.

my future has never been brighter, and i can't thank you enough for the bullshit you fed me. what an ironic gift.

k.

m&m's

wicked wind, and
little spikes of ice
hitting my face... out
there on broadway and
flushing, under
trains and sirens hurting
the space between my ears.
it was talk, talk, talktalktalk
and, "walk this way" and
"call this doctor" and
geez, so many hallways
with padded footsteps and
squeaks of rubber.
and i held your hands
and told you, no,
you're not blue-paper-gown crazy,
as you cried and cried and cried.
but i still left alone, and
you still are alone, up
there in the third ward
of the fifth floor.
it reminds me we all need
to be fixed, somehow, and
in a way, the safest places
can also be the scariest.

~k.

gracias

i wish i had
a pen at all times.
then i could ink
the city on my books;
my love, my
whiskey and wine
my,
oh, my,
you sing to me
when you don't speak, you
make love to
me
when you don't move...
i could never ask
for more.
and if
you think i have,
i'm lying,
right?

~k.

vagina to spite me

so maybe it's come to this. fuck all my friends, fill up that hole, make girls cry on the side of the streets until they have no more dignity to live. wrap it up, throw it out, rinse, repeat. oh well, i guess that's how these games go, right?

what really sucks is that i felt like shit for the way i treated you, i really did. i realized i put out popcorn strings when i was lonely and i needed someone to make me laugh. but i can't be sorry, cause i found out that you were doing the exact. same. thing.

lies beget lies begets sadness begets sadness.

hope you recognize the failure of your words vs. your actions.

k.

cab to the bridge

little boxes
in all their white glory, under
stars and shine,
those lights look so big
from the williamsburg bridge
oh,
the glory of these
little fireflies
oh, the tired of
their eyes, they
give me the minutes that
make
the hours that
make the days
that make my life.
love.

k.

wish you were here

i'm such a jackass.

i'm sitting here, listening to my roommate blowdrying her hair and singing along to her stupid country music, looking up quotes to describe the hole in my heart.

ironic. some girls wait their entire lives to get engaged and be with the one they love forever (or until the divorce settles, in many cases). i have been perfectly fine without being engaged, until i met someone who blew every other person i have ever been around out of the fucking water. now i am engaged, but i now have to wait just to see him, like three days out of the month. and so it is... leave it to me to find someone perfect but never have them close enough to savor the taste.

i write alot about the stupidity of love and the quest for this seemingly untouchable person. well. i found him...

i just can't be next to him. and it's killing me and my stupid heart.

~k.