oh, you karma chameleon

legally, are you allowed to be angry at someone for doing something if it's something you've done before but karma has already repaid you for it? and when i say legally, i just mean by the ethics of relationships. i don't pay attention to "laws," if that is their real name.

but really, even though there's no rule book on how we are supposed to feel about anything, there have obviously been some longwithstanding certainties that have been created and followed to a statistical norm over the years. when someone dies, we mourn. when someone trips on the sidewalk, we laugh. and when someone who labels themselves as a friend does something in the realm of betrayal, we become angry and upset. i think this is a pretty basic outline for regular emotional patters of an adult.

so now we've got a basic outline of reaction. whatever the catalyst of that reaction is, so be it, but the reaction itself should follow in suit. granted, there are a variant of different degrees depending on the stability of the the reactor, because as we all know there are some fuck crazy exes out there who thrive on making the situation worse with their simpletonistic mediocre arguments that never quite make any sense at all...

regardless. i digress.

so my question is (no matter if you believe in karma or not, because i do and it's my fucking blog so that's what i'm going to write about) does the degree of what you did to make the bad energy boomerang back to you determine how many times you will have to suffer for it in the future? or is it your fault for befriending people who have very little practice in things like "loyalty" or "honesty" or "prophylactics"... or maybe it's a little bit of both. thank you to the wonderful scientists who created the HPV 6 and HPV 11 vaccine. i'm sure it has helped me through contamination. gah.

when i was 18, i had a very good friend and my boyfriend sit me down in his bedroom and proceed to tell me that they were sorry, but they had really started to like eachother, basically asking me permission to fuck. actually, i take that back. they probably already had at that point, and were pathetically asking for postliminary agreeance to what they had already taken from me.. my relationship. me, +1; karma, 0.

then four years later i did it to my best friend... she was interested in a guy who liked me more, and i went for it. i knew the action was the same of the two that dicked me over, but with a little rationalization and a couple bottles of wine, anything is possible, right? i was lucky she forgave me. although i will say, he was really crazy and ended up fucking me up in the end, but i guess that doesn't count. me, back to 0; karma, +1.

fast forward two years to when i was 24, dating someone way too young and broke for me (i could add a couple more adjectives here but i'm not going to because what good what it do? i can't change the dates i paid for just so i could go out on a date like a normal 24 year old wants to), i came back from the most disheveled two months of my life and found out he slept with his ex (we have a mutual dislike for eachother, it's actually kind of cute). okay karma, listen, i know i did it before but you still hadn't repaid me from when i was fucked over at 18! i mean, at least, i didn't think you did... i guess i need to take a closer look...

-incident with best friend / douche boyfriend at 18 (-2)
-kissed other boys when i was with the "4th" (+2)
-the 4th broke my heart 6 months later and didn't talk to me for a year and a half (-2)
-slept with the 4ths best friend to get back at him (+3)
-delivered flowers all day with the "stoner" on valentines day and got nothing in return from him (+1)
-the stoner took me to a dolphins vs the patriots football game for our anniversary (-2)
-broke up with the stoner on new year's eve (+1)
-incident with nat and the chef (-3)
-gave the kid a chance to be with me (+2)
-offer money and apt to the kid so he didn't really have to work (+1)
-kid stops talking to me for 6 months out of nowhere (-2)
-get back together with the kid, he sleeps with ex (-2)
-get back together with the kid, i emotionally cheat on him with the director (money, power, and looks) (+3)
-director stops talking to me (-1)
-move to boston, date a harvard lawyer (+1)
-found out via facebook the kid is dating my hairdresser friend (facebook. really?) (-2)

there may be some other shit in there, but buy this scale of karma being the me being the positives and karma being the negatives, i have calculated that karma is almost settled up on her payments. me, 14; karma, 16. and i think those couple extra points i am waiting on are happening right now...

i am in new york city, getting lost and finding things i never new existed. i am dancing and being noticed, not to mention being appreciated for my many differences to other girls in this same profession. i am in a relationship with someone who is driven, intelligent, funny, and incredibly handsome. and my best friend is coming up in january to take a swing at things for herself. me, +1.

it really is odd how things even out in the end. thanks, karma old friend. you always know when to put me in my place.

k.