i failed math for non-majors in college

my head is too full for my own good. overflowing with words and thought and movement and lust... but not for someone else, for once.

lust for life. lust for myself. lust for everything i have ever wanted. it is growing, it is screaming, it is deafening. it is drowning out the noise that gets in the way all the time, which is a very, very good thing. i don't want noise. i want to be underwater, listening to the sound of nothing. i want to be in north carolina, listening to the snow fall from the sky. i want to be in a studio, listening to my feet hit the floor with a vengeance.

i want everything. but to get there, i have to have nothing. how paradoxical. if i had it my way, i would be living in a giant warehouse in bushwick and teaching private lessons. i would wake up and look at the other warehouses outside of my soaring paneled windows, watch the sun rise over the tops of the buildings like dust kicked up from a bike down route 66. i would sip my coffee in silence and enjoy that moment of nothing and how if you listen real close, you can hear your heartbeat resonate with the city's.

i would just have this giant empty space, with a couch and a workbench to create my designs. i would have black and white everything, and red wine bottles lining the cabinet tops like toy soldiers under the christmas tree. i would have simple, and i would love it.

simple is so good, but it seems sometimes that we forget how to do it, which is ridiculous. is simple really that complex? i thought simple left that up to complicated. it's 2+2=4, not trigonometry. i don't even know what trigonometry is, or what it applies to. but my life seems to be full of it. i want a 2+2 life.

in order to achieve this, what is it that we have to shed? i gave away everything i had in atlanta, and moved to boston with a suitcase and a pillow. and when i moved to new york, i only gained a trunk that i stole from the basement of the house i lived in. that wouldn't constitute as a complication, would it?

simple. i'm going to think about this one tonight. and i'll get back to you on what i discover about it. it may be nothing. but, nothing is a start to simple, right?

hm.


Somethin' gotta give with the way I'm livin'
Seems I'm gettin' down everyday
The more I strive, the less I'm alive
And seems i'm gettin' further away

Oh well all my superstitions
And my crazy suspicions
Of the people that I care about
I've been doin' more screamin'
Than I've been doin' dreamin'
And I think it's time I figure it out

Baby i need a plan
Oh, to understand
That life ain't only supply and demand

-amos lee


k.