i hope you never have to say, she's the one that got away

ahhh, the sweet touch of the keyboard underneath my fingers, the lovely sound of the internet working inside my pretty little mac's brain, the nostalgia of being able to waste an otherwise productive and beautiful day by watching re-runs of saturday night live on hulu...

we finally paid our comcast bill, which was a pretty penny considering it hadn't been looked at since the twelfth of december. and after the 24-hour grace period from paying it, it is in working condition and i am so ecstatic about it.

i missed you, intraweb... i missed being able to google a location and you knowing exactly where i live so i don't even have to type it in; i missed the warm embrace of streaming television shows when i get home from work in the evening; i missed your quiet convience, your humble headline of my bookmarked tabs which you know i favor so greatly...

after spending the last three weeks checking my facebook and writing very short blogs from my phone, i am back in business. having internet on your computer is a necessity. why else would you need a computer? to write shit on? please, i don't even have a writing program on mine. it was too expensive. that's why i have a blogspot, right? i understand my penchant for the world wide web.. i have never taken it for granted and missed it greatly when it is unavailable, like when i'm in the mountains or i cant pay my bills for a couple months.

the last couple of months have been insane, in this very strange, expected way. confused? i digress... the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting it to yield different results. i find myself going back to this often in my life, because i have a tendency to believe the outcome will change if i can just get through to the other person. that i have the worth and strength inside me to help someone else pull themselves from their demons and recognize that i saved them.

pretty narcissistic, i know. but i call it the broken wing syndrome, and i have a close relationship with it, because sometimes, i am that flailing bird. sometimes, i want someone to come along and reset my wing, so that i can find that hero in someone else. after all, the person that can save me deserves some sort of international award. for sure. i'm a fucking mess.

so, anyway... i have been dating this guy for the past four months, on and off. mostly off, cause every couple of weeks a fuse would blow in his irrational lightboard of a mind and he would say something like, "you're a disrespectful giant bag of douche" by the way, he's thirty-two, "and you need to give me back all the presents i made for you because you don't deserve anything that beautiful and precious" and blah, blah, blah. it was a little different each time but it all meant the same thing; that he is completely and 100% bat-shit bipolar manic crazy.

yeah, i know. i was the one who stuck around. listen, don't think i'm complaining. i got some pretty cool shit out of the four months... an art instillation above my bed, a belt, a scarf, soaps, and the infamous necklace he made me return to him three times, and a couple days afterward return to me and ask for me back. i think i swept up in that situation, for real.

so after breaking up with me a couple weeks ago over an incident involving my best friend, jack daniels, snow banks, and an hour request to push back dinner, i was done. i genuinely thought (and still think) he was an amazing artist and a brilliantly creative mind... but the ups and downs and backs and forths were all too much. i couldn't do it anymore. so i returned to him his necklace and picked up a back of my stuff he had at his house. he tried to convince me that i was once again wrong in the situation, but i wouldn't budge, and ended up walking off and not answering the phone when he called or texted. cause i knew... it would be just a couple days before he was back, telling me that he needed me in his life and that he loved me.

love. it's ludicrous to even mutter the words to me from him. i can't imagine the kind of love where it's acceptable to call someone a "giant bag of douche" or say they're acting "cunty" and expect to be forgiven in the morning. not on my watch, that's for sure.

a couple days later, he walks into my bar and hands me back the necklace. he asks me to come over that night to get some things he found. when i tell him no, he begins the process of a temper tantrum. a couple days go by. he stops by work again, tells me he can't stand my absence in his life. texting intermittently between. flips out on me one night when i stop answering his 30 text messages and constant phone calls. get's his hands tattooed in my "honor". stops by my work again. tells me he loves me, he wants me back. he was so sorry for acting the way he did, that he didn't appreciate me enough until i was gone and he was angry at himself cause he knows it's his actions that pushed me away and made me distrust him. blah. blah blah blah blah.

finally he told me that he wanted to show me that he wanted to change for me, under the condition and promise that i wouldn't go out on any other dates with any other guys. "you mean like us being in a relationship?" i said to him over the phone.
"no, no, see, it's not a relationship. i just want to be able to know that you won't be seeing anyone else while i try to show you how i want to change so we can get back together. we'll be dating, but you just won't see anyone else while we are working things out."
oh. so seeing eachother in a mutually-exclusive setting is no longer considered as a relationship. silly me. that's exactly the definition i would have slapped on relationship but i guess, haha, i was wrong. AGAIN.

i told him i wouldn't promise him anything, and if he wanted to show me, then he could, full well knowing that he was going to turn it around, which he did. he refused, and by some grace of whoever is planning this crazy future of mine, he hasn't texted me for a whole day. the silence is nice.

so this is the thing. recognize what's there while it's there. don't wait for the bills to pile up or the necklace to be given back... there is so much value and worth for everything in our lives, and when it's gone is when the memory hits us the hardest. with certain things, it's as easy as sucking it up and paying the $314.98 bill to comcast, a subsidiary company of lucifer's son's best friend's cousin from deep south hell.

with other things, you may be stuck looking at a beautiful necklace on your dresser, wondering where the girl was that was in it not three days before, and trying to convince yourself that she wasn't worth your time.

it's not the loss itself that proves to be the most difficult sometimes. it's the memories that linger afterwards that haunt the mind and second-guess our judgments.