happy

fall is here.

i, for the first time since i moved from atlanta, have made a life-altering decision. i'm breaking up with ballet.

not everything about it, i still want to take class and love the art and above all i want to teach and own my own studio... but i can finally say after years of being bound to it, i am not a ballet dancer. i'm not - i haven't been for a million months. i walk around in a shell of what i used to be, and every time i say it out loud, i believe it less.

i want to teach.
i want to be married, i want to have kids, i want to do all of these things in a town that will allow me to do so without bringing my cat-claws to the table. because i'm tired; i'm tired of this lifestyle.

i don't want to keep living with my head barely above this new york water. i love this city, i do. but at what cost? does everyone who's an artist and not willing to brand their name to their ass struggle this much? are we supposed to love the struggle because the fleeting moments of beauty are too precious to ignore the fact that we can't afford to have things in our refrigerators besides soy sauce and a jar of pickles that your ex gave to you as some sort of compliancy gift?

i talked to my manager last night after we closed, just the two of us and a rat scrambling around on the floor of my restaurant. over wine, he asked me, "what is going on with you?"

to which i could only say, "i'm done."

i'm done. i'm done with men who think it's okay to slide by doing only the things necessary to retain a garden that grows one vegetable. i'm done with wanting to be prima assoluta... i have my memories and pictures from when i was young, vibrant, and at the top of my game. i'm done with needing to be this maintstream, famous person.

i just don't care anymore.

i want to have my own studio and give my love for movement to others... i want to study gyrotoniks and become a trainer... i want to have children and live in their moments and grow old with someone who can teach me how to be a better person all the time...

i'm lucky to have found the things i have in the past couple months. i feel like i have found my heart, which is quite possibly the most elusive things that i have been searching for, for years.

~k.