everyone is a fucking napoleon

it has been evident to me in my experience that when a person says, "i am a very..." that almost 100% of the time, whatever character trait they are saying they are, they absolutely are not.

"i'm a very non-jealous person." oh yeah? then why did you scream at me in the bar parking lot for and hour after on the way to the bathroom i stopped and asked my friend travis why he was wearing mascara?

"i'm a very trusting person." really? then why did you go through my phone and throw it in my face when i told my friend (who you dislike because you are threatened of him, for no reason whatsoever) merry christmas?

"i'm a very independent person, and i like to give people their space as well." huh. that's why you would get upset when i needed to run my errands and didn't want company just so i could have a couple hours to myself to go to the bank, buy groceries, and shit without having to make sure you weren't going to come into the bathroom right after i did it. i can't think of anything sexier than referencing the smell of fecal matter while your girl is giving you head. lovely.

"i'm a very humble person. i don't find it necessary to pitch my experiences in other's faces." riiiiight. so that's why you don't really know anything about me... because i had to sit and listen to how you were honorably discharged from the army because your parachute didn't open and how you didn't die but broke alot of bones about 17 times, or how much money your tattoo shop made in san francisco on a daily basis, what cars you had, what cars you were going to buy, how you know how to make goods out of leather, how you know how to make soap, how you interrupted me on a daily basis during me telling a story to let me know that he building on the corner of 42nd and broad was the one that you and your brother were the overseers for, and how you are pretty much better at everything than anybody who does anything, ever.

and the kicker...

"i'm a very honest person." no. you're not. no one is. i don't give a shit how mother teresa-like you are, no one is 100% honest all the time. you may try to be. you may aim for that and hit the target when you tell someone that they have food in their teeth at a public place or that you don't care for periwinkle blue as a color choice on them.

but you will eventually tell your grandmother that you love the pink crinoline party dress she made you for your 16th birthday, or had an "orgasm" to push the oral sex along cause it wasn't going anywhere, or that you really enjoyed the burgers your girl made for you even though she put way too much garlic in the meat and they were super soggy on the bun from the cream of mushroom soup she thought would give the patties more flavor.

and let's take it one step further. just because you don't tell someone something you did, that is also a lie. you may not have told me you went through my phone, but when you are trying to be a wiseguy and throw some of my actual texts back in my face verbatim it's kind of easy to know where you got them from. or when you first startetd courting me and were still talking to the 21 year old girl you had been fucking that you labeled as your "best friend" (which, by the way, is not true... it's a lie in itself that you could be best friends with a girl who is 12 years your junior), but you never really told her that you were dating me as well. two lies right there, one to me and one to her. so hows that for being honest? you just broke your own damn rule.

listen people. i don't care what you say, but none of us are honest all the time. therefore, none of us should play that card when you are looking for a reason to break up with someone. and on top of everything else, make them feel like shit for concealing the fact that a one night stand when you were drunk and lonely with a person they happen not to like even though it was before they ever even met you. it's not right. telling a good person who has been by your side and listened to all your stories about how great you are and taken you out to dinner and bought all the ingredients to make soaps for your families for christmas (grand total was somewhere around 250.00, who's the fucking idiot? me. that's who) to point blank, GO FUCK YOURSELF.

go fuck myself? go fuck MYself?

right. because you're so much better than me. because i never say shit like, "i'm a very honest person," or, "i'm a very open person." i'm not. but... i'm not any less honest or open than you, nor will you ever be better than me for everything you've accomplished. you are a great person. but you are no better than the last one before you.

because it turns out... you are all the same. we are all the same. we are all thieves in our own ways. we are all liars in our own ways. we are all assholes in our own ways, and that's what makes us amazing. it may suck to be lied to. but it's not the end of the fucking world. it shouldn't be the one thing that determines wether or not a person is good or bad. we are human. we do bad things. it's what's engrained in us; we are programmed to fuck up. and if you can't love it or at least learn to live with it, you will never be satisfied with anyone, ever.

how's the view up there, from that beautiful golden pedestal? because it looks really lonely from where i'm standing.