three little hot dogs

three little hot dogs sitting in a pan,
one got hot and it went BAM
two little hot dogs sitting in a pan,
one got hot and it went BAM
one lonely hot dog sitting in a pan
it got hot and it went BAM

when my cousin jackie was little we would play this game, her sitting on my lap as i bounced her up and down, and when the BAM part came around i would open my knees and she would almost fall through to the floor, if i hadn't been holding her hands. she would laugh hysterically, and after the last hot dog exploded she would squeal, "again! again! again!"

after she died, i would have nightmares about this, waking in cold sweats in the middle of the night, because on the last hot dog, i would drop her and she would disappear through my legs, to somewhere i couldn't touch, somewhere i couldn't see, and it was all my fault. i know these were just dreams. just lucid fears, from somewhere in my brain wanting to think if i would have been there at her death, i could have saved her. i could have found a way to resuscitate her from the liquid in her lungs. if i would have been there then, maybe she would be here now.

no. i know this isn't true. things are the way things are. if someone is going to die, it is their time, and i have no bearing on the situation. i just wish, one time in my life, that i was that person. that i was the person that holds that difference.

but that's just my problem. i wish too much. maybe i just think too much. my head hurts, and it's not even 930 in the morning. here's to another long day with myself.
k.