eight. commissioning a statue of myself and placing it in the harbor next to this old thing.
seven. the ability to buy my own islands in the shape of my name.
six. being able to go to space. this guy did it, and he looks mildly retarded.
five. buying a boat that looks like an eel and is bigger than most common people's homes and naming him oculus yachticus.
four. being able to call a renovated firehouse (with an ACTUAL FIREMAN'S POLE located in your study) "home".
three. fucking private jets, man. private. jets.
two. finally being able to release my brand-new number one single. and all it took was paying people to make me sound completely different than what i already sound like.
one. at last!!! getting around to landing a deal for my new york times bestselling book. fueled by patchy psuedo-wisdom and written by someone else.
EIGHT. the inability to make a good movie. or even make a bad movie look okay on the movie poster.
SEVEN. being able to google "lindsay lohan drunk photos" and have over 25 pages of links to pictures of you bombed out of your mind. my favorite: lindsay lohan drunk (i.e. her normal state)
SIX. having this trainwreck as your mother-slash-enabler. ugh.
FIVE. having a younger sister that wants to be just like you, even though you are a coke-and-famewhore out of work actress who spends money on shit you don't need, never wear, and can't afford. you're fucking fifteen. put on a normal size dress and take off those hooker heels, lindsay-in-training...
"ALI, ON BIG SISTER LINDSAY: "I grew up watching Lindsay, and it made me want to do what she does. Just the whole vibe. Being there, being on camera, or onstage, with everybody listening to you…it's so cool when people look up to you. I've already been asked for my autograph, and it's just a really good feeling to have."
FOUR. being genetically related to michael lohan, tied with himself in first place as the world's biggest douche and most horrible excuse for a father in the history of the world, up in the rankings with other bad excuses for humans such as bill o'reilly, kanye west, and biff tannen from back to the future. you're awful, michael lohan. go kill yourself for the sake of the rest of the population.
THREE. becoming a lesbian only to date a woman who looks like a nineteen year old boy. samantha ronson, really? i mean, really. couldn't you have gone lipstick, lindsay?
TWO. being compared to a pill-popping home-wrecking actress who overdosed before the age of forty. i love myself some marilyn, but her downward spiral is eerily parallel to lindsanity's.
ten. does this dude think he looks better on this bike than i do? please.
nine. icarus ain't got nuthin on these sonsabitches.
eight. post-it notes. it's almost too easy, and this guy makes them look 100% less sexy.
seven. even though it's a mini-trampoline, which were all the rage in the eighties for exercise, this dude doesn't look like he understands the meaning of the word AND hasn't been out of his basement since the eighties due to D&D.
six. what is this? ice fishing for rednecks? at least get a girl in a bikini and a trash can full of pbr's.
five. let me get this straight. this unattractive housewife got millions of dollars for inventing a collapsible wagon?? i thought of that shit in the THIRD GRADE, bitch. i just didn't know what a copyright was. damn it.
four. A FLYING CAR?!?!? why did the russians get these cool points??? i mean, look at how many fly ass stewardess bitches they got!!!
three. its a homemade submarine. this guy is either the most brilliant asian man to date, or the dumbest. i'm not sure if i would trust a vehicle i made not to drown me eighty leagues under the sea.
two. does anybody else think it's strange that humans invent so many bike apparatuses? just sayin.
one. ummm... if i could be famous for anything... these would be it. love, love, love.
TEN. a human sized hamster ball and the audience to ride on.
NINE. a bowling pin autographed by the hoff.
EIGHT. this little badass.
SEVEN. this guy's necklace.
SIX. a cia agent comb knife. awesome.
FIVE. a regular sized bathing suit for the necklace dude.
FOUR. this hat.
THREE. a flying elephant. but not a plastic flying elephant. i want the real shit. this means disney better watch the fuck out cause i know they have him locked up somewhere, living off of peanuts and dirty water out of a barrel. i'm comin for you, D. we're gonna break you out of that popsicle joint.
TWO. a mountain couch. that's right, a mountain couch.
