Friday, March 22, 2013

silver linings

i've been thinking a lot about my dreams lately, like, when did they disperse like oil in water, and how did the things i once thought were so simple have mutated into a many-armed, many-eyed pms monster? i read things about change and the acceptance of aging and what wisdom is (turns out, it's knowledge that has experienced life, fucking proverbs) and how to avoid bitterness and what really makes us happy... and all of it, every single bit of these snippets of life and love and learning - essentially they all say the same thing.

be patient.

be kind.

be willing.

fuck me, right? here i was, thinking the many years i have spent driving myself towards this goal, the hours i've let wash away taking class, the minutes that wrap themselves around the music in my head... be patient. be kind. be willing.

i am thirty. my patience is waning, as are my hips. i don't have the patience to be kind and willing anymore. am i bitter because i was forced to resign gracefully? betrayed by my own body, frustrated that my mind will forever be a better dancer than my body ever was?

is wisdom the art of resigning willfully? of not allowing your own body to misrepresent what you actually are? do i have to be kind about it so that i can ease my own inhibitions about aging and soften the blow of this graceful resignation - otherwise known to the rest of the world as "giving up"? there is only a letter of difference between "kind" and "king". do i want to be king of my world, or be kind to it?

and is there a possibility for those two to live sympathetically side by side?