Thursday, July 29, 2010


talk, talk, talk.

it's all just words,
don't you see?
this old, ancient
of ruins brought
back from the dead.

and love
(i guess)
and hold hands and shut
your eyes,
blind eyes, to
thing else.

and at the end
of the world,
when you find out
it's *gasp*
all of a sudden
it has changed.

ah, but of course.
on par;
on course;

it has changed,
and words have
left me
*once again*

to begin.


Tuesday, July 27, 2010

rags to riches

this singsong this, about
"everlasting love",
a cinderella pretty
cleaning the dishes
and dishing about
forever, and ever;
infinity, you say?
what a lifetime
that is to
just wash away
this armor i cleaned
so bright,
just for you;
maybe it didn't fit
so right.
maybe the color
was dull and
didn't match your curtains.
oh, cinderella,
i guess that's it,
the slipper is
done for, it
didn't fit...
and back you are,
among pumpkins,
(which will someday
be used for pies, but
ssshhh, don't let on)
singing a song
i've heard before,
so many times,
i guess i don't
like it, anymore.
so clean until
the beads of sweat
taste salty, in your
mouth. cause
then, at least, you'll
know your fairy tale
(or, part of it)
came true.
which, personally, i
think is the
bluest of blue.


Sunday, July 25, 2010

... is believing

it's funny how you can miss a person so much, someone who is a friend, or a lover, or yourself... when you actually realize how long it's been since you've seen them.

i missed alot of people tonight, some who aren't here, some who were right in front of me, and one in particular that i see every day.

just because you cover something up, doesn't mean that someone else doesn't see right through the blanket.

it's good verse to apply to everything, and everyone, in your life.


Sunday, July 18, 2010

two birds in the pot is better than one... or something like that

this certainly has been an interesting couple of days. i feel like things can be so backwards sometimes that drastic measures have to be taken for them to be set straight.

i don't like for my friends to be made fools of. not that anybody does, but i've come to realize that when faced with the dilemma to shut up or stick up for a friend in a situation where you may be looked upon as ridiculous, shut up is the route traveled.

i can't say i have stopped caring about what others think of me. i think we all do. i think that's human. but i've gotten to a point in my life where i have built concrete ideals of what it is i believe, and when it comes to those things in conflict, i will defend them without a care of what someone else thinks.

i can deal with someone thinking i'm an idiot for standing up for something or someone i love. especially when i see that others around them aren't doing it. especially when the one person who is supposed to have your back doesn't, because they want to look cool. it doesn't take but one person to offer a hand of protection.

that's issue number one. issue number two is that of liars.

to the you who is concerned: i know what you have been telling people about me, and i thought you were smarter and more respectful than that. one day, everything that you have said that was an extension of or blatant expulsion of the truth will come back and hit you in the head, and you will realize the lies you told to save face will only make you look worse on the boomerang back around.

and it's going to happen very soon. not by my hand... i've been out of your life for a while. but trust me. this is not going to be pretty when it all comes to a head. i am watching this be destroyed from the inside out, and soon the foundation is going to fall.

and i'm not sorry, because you deserve it, although i thought for such a long time that you were never capable of this type of fabrication.

ex-relationships are weird. on one hand, it makes sense to be friends, until that blows up in your face. but when you cut the ties clean at the end of everything, it ends up coming back to you in the form of acrid lies that have been chipping silently away at your character without you ever knowing.

either way, you're fucked.


Saturday, July 17, 2010

throwing stones

deplorable, despicable me.

look in the fucking mirror.

at least i have
the decency to
stick up for someone i love.

what's your excuse?

my words may hurt you.
but that's because
what i say is true.

i don't paint the picture
that i'm better.
you prove that you're worse,
but you don't like
to read about it.

and one day, if
you keep reading, you just
that apologies, well,
they're necessary.



Friday, July 16, 2010


rip the flesh
down to the juice,
a ragged pink pit
of sour-sweet blood.
eaten alive, and
silent still as the
of steel hacks in...
bite soft skin
and lick sugary lips,
drain the orb
of fluid, all
so swollen hearts
can have their fill.
eat it clean, an
empty shell, so
tomorrow the kill
can begin


Thursday, July 15, 2010

besides me

slow to start...
away and missing
the lovely
commercials that add
the minutes
to hours
that make hours
the ones that count.
it's been half
a day
and in a way
it's felt like months
been spent.


Wednesday, July 14, 2010

bad for the environment

why would you step into someone's old clothes, especially when they don't fit you all that well, and make you look like you have no sense of style?

i've never understood the appeal of recycling relationships. bottles, i can understand. you get a 10 cent return AND you're helping the environment? totally makes sense - makes everyone happy. you can even buy a pack of gum when you return 5 bottles. so add fresh breath to that list of pro's and you have got yourself a great deal there, bud.

but relationships? no, thanks. once it's done, it should be left to die. now, this is learned from my experiences, so i am voluntarily admitting my stupidity here. this fact therefore pushes me out of hypocrisy and into the realm of wisdom. or at least i like to think that.

moving on. right before i moved to new york, i had a long chat with a good friend of mine whom i hadn't talked to for a good couple months. we caught up, had some good laughs, and she told me about her ever-changing love life that i couldn't keep up with even when we talked on a weekly basis when i lived in atlanta. over the course of two hours while i packed my things, she told me about how she had been dating someone she had dated years back, her manager from the restaurant she used to work at in high school. she told me about how he had cheated on her then, and they had lost touch over the years after she broke up and moved on from north georgia to atlanta. she happened to run into him one night at the restaurant he owned, they caught up, went out on a date, and became involved in a relationship again. there was a snag in the romance though... he was on the mend from a breakup with his live-in girlfriend of something ludicrous, like ten years or so. yet he still wanted to start something with my friend, to the point where he gave her the keys to his house and basically was leaning towards moving in together.

until she woke up one day to realize he had yet to get the keys back from his ex, and they met face to face with my friend in a pair of his boxer shorts. talk about the awkward star in the room. she wanted to break up with him then, he convinced her otherwise, only for her to find out a couple weeks later that he had been courting a much younger server at his restaurant. she was disappointed that it didn't work out, and i shared in her disappointment, although i can't say i didn't see it coming. not only did this guy have a history of cheating on her already, but my friend didn't exactly hold her heart in a cage. it was in fact the opposite; she was rather loose with the L-word. prior to the dude i was just talking about, she dated another winner - a funemployed, freeloading, twenty-five year old father who moved in with her after, like, one week or something under ten days.

i mean, really? i guess we have to all have one freeloading boyfriend. i had mine... it was the kid. don't get me wrong... we had a wonderful relationship, and i saw that his good qualities outweighed the bad. well, at first. but eventually, it began to upset me that i was never taken out on dates, because the money he got from the drum lessons he gave at the studio i taught at was pretty much just enough to put gas in his car and wendy's value meals in his stomach. and even though we never fought (which is mainly because i am so laid back and he is so non-confrontational), he also omitted things from conversation... like the fact that he slept with a high-school senior when he told me it was 'boys night', or that while i was in san fran he slept with his ex-girlfriend who i can't stand. and he omitted things like i was his girlfriend from his friends. they would ask me constantly if the kid and i were dating. saying, "yeah, for two and a half years now," is a little embarrassing. it kind of makes me seem like i'm so desperate to call someone my boyfriend, that he goes around saying, "oh, yeah. she says that. i let her do it so she builds some self-esteem."

dick. it's just so fucking dick of him. i think i stuck around for so long because i saw what he had the potential to do in his life; he was big-hearted and talented, and intelligent, albeit the lack of formal education. so we dated for three years, and he basically moved in with me to my first and second apartments. mind you, he moved in. he did not pay rent though he stayed with me almost every night. he was my freeloading boyfriend. i didn't think that my friend could possibly stand to recycle a relationship like that. and i especially didn't think she would recycle not only the relationship, but the relationship with the kid none-the-less.

and not mention one damn thing about the fact that they had been fucking for a little while before we had the two hour long conversation that day. and let me find out on facebook the very next day.

this is a woman who listened to me for hours go on and on about the kid while she cut and dyed my hair. listened to me purge all the things he did to hurt me, how i thought he was an idiot for not wanting me, and about how i had started to become uninterested in retaining a relationship that felt so one-sided. she agreed with me when i would bash on him for some of the stupid shit he did, and give me a hug on the way out the door (looking fabulous,though... this bitch knows how to cut up and dye for reals), telling me to call her so we can get together for some drinks.

this is a woman who had every opportunity to avoid all of those bad things in a relationship, who could not only predict that this dude would not be a good boyfriend, but who could also confirm that he would not be a good boyfriend... and she threw it all out the window.

he moved in to her apartment, things went downhill, and they broke up while living together, which, as i know, is very awkward as well. what else is there to do other than to say, "i told you so."


which is just a snittier way to say, "recycle." when you recycle things, you reuse them, for better or for worse. i think that with age and experience, we find better and better material to recycle, because we know more and more things about the world that can help us distinguish the good from the bad. there's this famous diner in (i think) nashville, that has fried their food in the same grease since the fifties. you are eating your grandparent's sock-hop grease. it may taste good at first... but after a few hours in the digestive system there is bound to be some mutated cancer cells in your bowels.

when something doesn't work, i think it's okay to step back and look at why, and then move on. revisiting it only lends you the headache of having to go through it all the same way again. insanity: doing something over and over and expecting it to yeild different results.

but, let's face it. we're all a little insane at sometime or the other. we just want to be careful about who it affects in turn.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

verses versus verses

pitting words against words doesn't work with me,
it only really makes me angry.
and if you had any sense of integrity,
you'd simply just leave it be.

i can rhyme too.
my words were not about you.


Monday, July 5, 2010


out of anything in my life i have ever feared, ghosts have not been in the top ten. i was petrified of wolves for a good decade due to the evil disney interpretation of one in my old bedtime story, donald cries wolf.

it was totally rational that i thought a pack of these lived under my bed and in my toilet, waiting to devour me with their demonic wolf-teeth and utterly soulless yellow eyes. i don't know how disney got away with ruining most nights of sleep for me until the fifth grade, but someone is going to pay for it. one day i will train a pack of wolves to kill their families while the animators watch. try and get a decent night's sleep after cleaning up your daughter's entrails.

i am also irrationally scared of large crowds of people, and i have potent fears about somehow being trapped in a circus warehouse with killer clowns. ghosts were really the least of my worries, especially since they can't really do anything to you. they just kind of hang around and move your oven mitts from one side of the kitchen to the other in a creepy and random fashion. sure, i guess if they really want to get dirty they can possess your body, but really, what's the worst they're going to do? make you act ridiculous in public places? i do enough of that on my own with too many shots of jack daniels. people would just think i was drunk again.

more than anything, i think that ghosts just ultimately make me sad for the ghosts, cause they're hanging out somewhere they don't know anybody and they refuse to go away. it's pathetic, really, and though i wouldn't say it to their face (if i could see their face, cause from what movies make it seem like is that they're invisible), i think they could kind of tell from my body language.

but what about ghosts that aren't really dead yet? like memories that just refuse to die for reasons i can't understand and want to make a machine to erase them (somebody please get on this whole spotless mind thing, stat). those are ghosts, too, and quite frankly, a memory of something alive that is just not letting go is a whole lot more pathetic than someone who just can't seem to shake the dust off the life that has already expired.

it's high time some things just die in the water, and quit hanging out where they're not welcome. i have way too many distractions as is. i don't need to think about things that i hate to love.


Friday, July 2, 2010

writer's block

i wake up and think,
today's going to be different.

today's going to be the one
that changes it all.

and yes, it's different
from the one before. but
not entirely.

it's not as hot.
it's a little sunnier.
it's friday.

the prefixes are not
changing the outcome, though.
like i'm stuck in a sentence
that uses different words
to describe the same thing.

what is it
that i'm waiting for?
for the next big show?
the next five digit paycheck?
the next i love you?

The man who looks for security, even in the mind, is like a man who would chop off his limbs in order to have artificial ones which will give him no pain or trouble.
~Henry Miller