Thursday, January 27, 2011

icarus girl

stupid, girl, you
never learn,
you break the wings
and fall in flames,
these pretty things
smash to smithereens.
what masochist hands
build the bricks to lay
bad bridges.


Tuesday, January 25, 2011

sex (not) in the city

so recently, my life has kind of been dedicated to an establishment known as the house of yes, or HoY. i have been silking, stilting, costuming, pasty-ing, designing, playing, and laughing for the last month.

it's nice to be somewhere that pulls you in, and doesn't ask questions about your reasoning encompassing your desires. HoY is a modern-day haven in such a politically correct world, simply asking the artists that dwell, work, and live there to be honest and uncensored when creating and performing. and i feel lately, that this is the first time i have felt comfortable enough to do so.

it feels fucking good.

characteristically, when i choreograph i use humanity as a base. much of my movement is pedestrian and tends to relate to human interaction and reaction. but i have always been told when people watch me dance that i (ahem) "exude a certain sexuality", which used to make me outwardly uncomfortable when said in front of other people(albeit secretly pleased). and now that i have been choreographing more sexy dance, i can see that my work in contemporary ballet is also taking on strong sexual notes as well. this is a good thing. it's cultivating choreography inside me, new movement i feel i have always had but has been collecting dust deep in the trenches of my mind. it's taking an innate base of my personality and allowing it to... erect, perhaps?

;) freud would be so impressed with my cognizance.

so 2011 is starting out better than 2010, for sure. i have a good feeling about this one. i'm all about recovering the relics, and putting them to good design. vintage is sexy, and i'm putting my vintage out there for the world to see.

sounds hot, doesn't it?


Wednesday, January 12, 2011

on to the next one

is there ever a proper time to say "i told you so?"

or does it sound smug in all accounts?

i think everyone has the right to think they are the "chosen one"; that they are the one that will change the world, who's ever it may be... that they can breathe life into a drowning victim or kill off the fear in a schizophrenic.

i have felt that i was that person before. granted, i was incredibly wrong, and found myself at the first rung of the ladder again climbing my way back to the top.

it's important that everyone feels feelings of grandeur. necessary, even. because without that idea that we are great, we could never realize that, well... we really aren't so great.

the problem is, is that even if you want to save someone, it's not up to you. we tend to neglect that. people only change if they want to, and even if the catalyst is you it's not you saving them. it's them saving them. you can walk a person to rehab, to the front door of college, to the bank to deposit money, or to the deli to give them food. and no matter what, the only person that can stop drinking, go to class, save money, or put fuel in their body... is them.

"i told you so" does sound pretty smug, albeit the fact that it's fitting. but i think what's might be more effective is, "you knew what this was."

we all know what things are, deep down. even the things that we think will work out, if we step back and look at them, there's bound to be a red flag somewhere in the mix. point the finger at yourself, make the decision to be more aware, and start climbing the ladder again. the only thing that influences the next climb is the knowledge you take with you from the last one.


Wednesday, January 5, 2011

a mouthful of coins

the silence is golden
it's a good color
on you, almost as good
as it looks on me...
so pretty, so
all over
so humble.

beautiful muse,
your smoky mirrors
are no match
for mine.
your gold will sooner
cap your teeth
instead of grace
your palms.


Sunday, January 2, 2011

cleaning the slate

how does this shit happen to me?

last year on new years, i was face to face with the man who left me in pursuit of better things, in my deli, ordering pastrami. this year, i was in fact stating that i never came to the morgan stop on the L train anymore because i was apprehensive about running into my ex, who used to live around there... and as i turned the corner, i literally almost ran into him and one of his friends.

what the fuck, universe? why do you insist on doing this to me?

last year, the universe decided it would be funny to drop someone who has affected me more than my favorite snack of pickles and cheese, someone who claimed himself that he never hung out in brooklyn, someone who just was clearly not that into me and didn't know how to just say so... the universe dropped him into my random corner deli to buy orange juice as i was buying pastrami. didn't see him before that, haven't seen him since. but the omen was apparent.

tonight, walking to my good friends' house deeper into bk than i usually go, i am TALKING ABOUT the other ex who fucked with my head in a different manner equally as bad as the year prior to, and we almost do a body slam on the sidewalk.

tomorrow i am taking a sabbatical from the life i lived last year. i am going to put space in my joints and smiles in my mouth. i am going to fuel my body without whiskey and (try to) breathe nicotine-adultery free breath from my lungs. i am going to climb silks into the sky and spin golden webs in the lyra.

sometimes, being looked in the eyes by your past can be a very, very good motivator.