Thursday, February 24, 2011

here's what i say to your stupid travel-guide pamphlets.

the moons must be out of order in venus or something. i don't know much of anything astrological other than i am a saggitarius, and that i'm also the new sign, which i'm pretty sure is pronounced oh-FUCK-us... but there's something going on in the water i'm drinking, or the moons that hang over my head on clear nights, or the dreams that somehow haunt my subconscious when all i want to do is sleep...

like, what the fuck, universe?

it's bad enough that there is a paper trail that follows me around on a DAILY basis reminding me of how i wasn't good enough, or that my other friends' relationships are chipping off like a bad paint job on stucco. but you really have to just go and push buttons, universe, that were left to rust with dying words.

sometimes things are too coincidental to be coincidence, and when it happens enough, it's just not as funny as it was the first couple times around. 2011 is a year of power for me, i know this. 2010 can go fuck itself with a splintered toilet plunger. but 2011, no, it's going to be a reversal of everything that karma threw back in my face last year.

cause honestly, i just don't care anymore. i had to stop caring about these things before they consumed me. yeah, so what... a couple "friends" dicked me over. who gives a shit? it'll happen to them. they'll get that paycheck in the mail one day. and so what... a couple boys turned back before the finish line. i'd love to shake the hands of the girls that get stuck with those hurricanes of crazy.

no, i'm good where i am. i am giving love and respect to those that want it, those who deserve it, and who appreciate it in their lives. i don't feel like i'm wasting time because i'm exploring and reading and learning and loving all of it. i'm so far down the road that those potholes look more and more like pebbles in the asphalt behind me.

no more weird moon play and off-kilter water for me. i'll open the bottle of wine myself and watch a movie from now on instead.


Tuesday, February 22, 2011


the prophecies, these
lovely little links
to the ink
inside our minds,
unravel like the yarn
from that damn ugly sweater
of life, right
before our eyes;
we spit them out
and get emails back,
of the ties
thought broken so
long ago.
our ideas get crushed
and inflated again, just
to begin
in a different light, on
a different night,
in a different town
and a different time.
"right" changes with
each "wrong", pushes
words into the verses
of the songs
that end up looping
in our heads like
a halo, and
lends us sanity til the
next day's dawn.
where did all of these rights
go wrong?


Sunday, February 20, 2011

revising the standard

i used to get teased by this boy in the sixth grade because i was flat chested. he relentlessly reminded me how, if flipped upside down, i could be an excellent snow sled. it upset me not because i wanted big tits, but because i was concerned that no man would ever like small ones... which meant i was going to be alone forever.

i didn't really understand the concept of forever at eleven. forever meant until high school, probably, and obviously i got over the phobia. it turns out that a lot of men like us un-busty girls, and i don't have to go out and get a funbag surgery to find true love.

mainly because i'm pretty sure it doesn't exist. but that's just the cynic in me, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

no, no... i actually refused the same boy sex about eleven years after the teasing had passed, and was able to use an alternate reason by the same guidelines as his jeers, yet to his adult face, which i'm going to go ahead and say it vindicated me wholly. i barely remember middle school and all of those awful things that were done to me now, because i'm older and i don't care anymore.

cause i still can go and get a breast augmentation to make my chest bustier. there's nothing you men can do about the size of your member.

sucks for you.

i would say we always want what we can't have. but this wasn't about that. it was me hoping that one day, i would find someone based on what they saw that they loved inside, and not date me just to have a good picture taken.

i went to atlanta to perform with my old burlesque company last week. i stayed in the apartment that my ex and my ex-friend moved into when i wouldn't get back together with him and he had to accept his sloppy seconds, who last year i was actually able to tell to fuck off in her own apartment. that was lovely. now my friend davi masi lives there and the whole energy was light and airy... such a welcome change. the weather in atl was beautiful, too, a breezy 50 most days i was there. i drank with old friends, cleaned up some dirty laundry, and went shopping in little five points. i got my hair cut, performed in a couple shows, and remembered who i was before moving from the south.

it was nice to get away from the city, from certain ghosts that i just can't seem to shake. and during all of this, i realized no matter who i was in the past, flat-chested or otherwise, i have been loved for who i am and not for my cup size. granted, i've been tossed aside because of it as well, but no one an ever say they broke up with me because i was too flat. and in the wake of losing the one thing i thought was real a year and a half ago, i can certainly say i have never felt stronger.

i don't give a shit if you don't like my chest. i think it's great, so suck on that.


Friday, February 18, 2011

why tonight?

ever notice how things seem bigger than they really are?

like, i'm standing in my kitchen, right, and the table and the stove and the fridge look CRAZY big. and then i thought, is it just that i'm really small right now? like alice in wonderland small?

but then i realized i wasn't small, and the fridge was normal, and it just happened to be my life had suddenly and unexpectedly been inflated.

i know now it was just the stars exploding like roman candles across the sky.


Friday, February 11, 2011

it's in the passed

maybe guilt has gotten you nowhere, maybe you need something stronger. maybe you don't believe in people walking away, because swinging at the end of a rope for awhile is fun, according to you. maybe you thought you could change the world by opening your legs, and when you found out it wasn't so, you had already committed so you couldn't say anything. maybe no one has ever told you there are more people besides you in the world. maybe you decided you didn't like the color white so instead of never wearing it, you murdered it and hid the body. maybe you like the power, cause all it does is attract attention. maybe you weighed out your options and came to the conclusion you weighed more. maybe there was nothing there to begin with except a hole and when you found the ladder you kept it for yourself to climb. maybe the silence was beautiful so you kept that, too.

maybe there were things i never knew. but it's because it started with guilt, and then just ended.

maybe i need a vacation.