Thursday, May 29, 2008

you meddling muddlers, you

it's heavy, in
dripping off my
shoulders like
wet concrete, sitting
on my chest, and
out my breath...
i'm quite the
cynic but, now -

now what?
my head is spinning,
a highball of jameson
between nervous
palms... and
so collected, you
seem, undisheveled
at all...

i'm burning, from
inside out,
imploding under
a concrete mess
of memory,
from surprise and
desire and
thinking... thinking
maybe i've allowed
my cynicism
jade me.

it's funny the things that happen when you least expect it. when you least want anything else to be muddled into your daily life, like mint in a mojito. but what if your mojito doesn't have mint? and what if you thought you may only like mint on reservation for gum? but then you get a mojito that not only has mint muddled into it, but sprigs that decorate it? and you taste it and understand that wow, you really do enjoy drinking minty mojitos... that they're not only pretty but pretty fukkin awesome. and then someone comes and knocks the mojito out of your hand and it smashes to the floor, and the next bars you go to don't even make mint flavored drinks. and then all you're doing after that initial mojito is picturing it in your head and hoping that there may be a chance that when you go back to that bar, another can be made that is the exact same, and you can enjoy it as fully and wholly as you did the first time around...

le sigh. i don't even know what i'm talking about. i don't drink mojitos. i should have used dirty martinis in the analogy. but you don't muddle olives into it, so it wouldn't work. whatever. my head never lets my heart rest.


Monday, May 26, 2008

a cinderella trainwreck kind of love

it wasn't perfect,
wrapped in gold with
a pretty black satin bow,
shining in the dusklit
restaurant, candles
beginning their shadowdances
on a bistro brick wall.
it was a cinderella trainwreck
of clusterfukk, head
and heels spinning
out of control, reeling
as my feet hit the pavement
in the city,
melodies between my ears,
when it all would
slide downhill forever.
praying not. but
knowing better.
there were holes
in the patchwork
and saddened eyes
and overwhelming thoughts
of loss...
but it was mine.
it's how it happens,
to me,
and i'm beginning
to fall in love
with imperfect, more
than i could ever
with flawless.
flawless is a
boring this,
clean edges and
straight lines
crowding my shortcomings
and pointing perfect
at my unpolished
i would never give
up, this
imperfect, as
i've come to understand
it's who i am, and
what i do.
i love both,
about me.

new york was fascinating. it was a trip of epic proportions for me, knocking me on my ass and picking me back up again like an abusive relationship. but this abusive relationship, it will turn into something that i know will be great. it has been an altering experience for me to be here, in this imperfect perfection, for the last seven days. of which i could never forget. there's more to come when i have a constant stream of internet, cause i keep getting knocked off, but i will leave you with this...

thank you.
to new york, and the people that have moved me while i have been here. there are no apologies necessary, cause i'm not sorry. how could i be? i'm okay with the cinderella trainwreck i've come to know myself as.


Friday, May 23, 2008

a lack of faith and bitterness towards... you guessed it... love

i'm an idiot.

i'm a fool, and an idiot, and i can't believe in anything anymore. people are promises i don't want to keep, closed books i care not to read, and most of all, i have been hurt by so many that inevitably, have all been me. what a fukking enigma this stupid game is, and how to play it, and worst of all, asking directions to get to the field in the first place is embarrasing.

this game, is not my game. all i know how to do is be unconditional, even though it's like my drunken pedophile stepfather after a bottle of whiskey and internet porn: it hurts me in the end.

i'm sick of making an effort. i want someone to do it for me, to make me understand what it is to really be open and recieving to someone else. i'm so cold sometimes it surprises me, in ways that i could never explain, and further yet, will never try. i don't want to try anymore. i want to be the helen of troy, for wars to be fought for the glory of my genes.

le sigh. that was a little dramatic, i know. but i feel stupid, for being a little girl, and ugly, because i can't see how i could have ever thought i could win this fight. it's all bullshit, and my faith lies now under the covers. that's all i have ever been.


Friday, May 16, 2008


Wednesday, May 14, 2008

sappho is cool

you burn me

you came and i was crazy for you
and you cooled my mind that burned with longing

i don't know what to do
two states of mind in me

for the man who is beautiful is beautiful to see
but the good man will at once also beautiful be.

stars around the beautiful moon
hide back their luminous form
whenever all full she shines
on the earth


sappho speaks to me
the way that most men
allow themselves to me
dont be fooled
i am a midas girl
and the gold that i give
comes at
a price.


Sunday, May 11, 2008

build me the moon

"build me the moon"
charlotte sometimes

give me a moment
give me a cloak
tell me anything
as long as its

give me heartache
that's what you do
tell me you want me
i'm sick of being used

i send my heart
to you
but you never care
you never do

so build me your bridges
build me the moon
tell me you love me
tell me you love me soon

you didn't know
that i cried
in my room
every night

maybe it's not
cause of you
but it'd be easier
if you needed me too

i send my heart
to you
but you never care
you never do

so build me your bridges
build me the moon
tell me you love me
tell me you love me, soon

i can not stop
i can not smile

i know we were'nt meant to be
but i want you here
with me

so build me your bridges
build me the moon
tell me you love me
tell me you love me
tell me you'll love me soon

i stumbled upon this song last night, and i was so moved by it that i bought it off of itunes, right then and there. she's right on key, as if she stole the words from my mouth.

what's funny is, i've been on both sides of this song. i've been sung to, and sung it myself. what moves us so completely by someone else that it instills an energy that can't be forgotton? i have wished so many times that i could wash my hands of it, of the capability to be hurt and vulnerable, not necissarily in that order...

i am a broken soul. i'm not saying i'm special, because i personally believe almost everyone is. but i've been burned so much. let myself be burned, therefore assuming the responsibilty of the first aid. and i can tell you, i am no nurse. i think my form of doctoring is more or less of a masochistic genre. whatever hurts me more will make that other hurt seem like nothing. push it away. bottle it up. smile. tell people what they want to hear. avoid. avoid. avoid. don't give in to the number pad on your phone. drink. sleep, to dream.

punishment. it's all punishment, reflecting the hurt back on me. how emo of me, i know. but after awhile, it goes away, and all i'm left with is a couple of pictures and two or three notes scrawled on computer paper, mostly of lies. that's what it comes down to with me. memories, fading fast and hard. forced to fade by everything i have.

since i was a little girl, i have believed in the promise of love. even now, even through my bitter lips and scathing words, i can sit here and tell you i believe in it. in loving someone else til you wake up craving them. in allowing truth to seep through the cracks, of things you've never uttered to anyone else in the world, and not be afraid you'll lose them to it. i believe that someones out there who knows just what i need and manifests it, wether it be candles by winelight, or a kiss on the back of my neck.

my optimism eludes me at most times in my life. i like it, because when i feel it i can smile, and feel like everything is going to happen just the way it was meant to. heartache and happiness alike. i will wake up one day to someone who wrote me a note on the pillow next to me just to feel my smile when i read it. hows that for optimism? don't let the appearance fool you. forget diamonds and fancy vacations. i'm a softie for the stupid shit; notes and smiling through silence, and everything else you can file under 'romantical'.

it's out there. it has to be.



the rain fell,
slight, on my skin,
the smell of wet
all around me,
wood, hair...
arms dewy with
unavoidable pieces
of clouds,
wet cotton t-shirt
holding me close, kissing
the space
between my shoulderblades

such a lovely
of silence, a busy
silence, wind
tickling my eardrums,
grazing my nipples...
it's intimacy
timid, shy

the moon hung low,
settled in its bed,
my fingers luminous,
stretched out to touch it,
lasso it,
taste it's incandesent
lips, on mine...
yellow with wisdom,
his face changing with
each phase,
watching over me
the last 25 years,
content with my
surrounding stars.

pants soaked in puddle,
i jumped
and jumped
and jumped,
watching the water crown
and fall with each
my teeth were wet
with smiles, with
letting go, fear
and indecision
and remorse
sliding off my skin
with each