Saturday, July 30, 2011


is way too thin
and way too
to get under


Thursday, July 28, 2011

states and capitols

towns. states.
all these pronouns for the
people i like
a lot.
when someone says,
"my name is______"
i should just say
"hold on..."
and then
"is your name a
of a state or a capitol?"
and when they say
i should politely
excuse myself to the bathroom
and leave
the building. states
and capitols
have no business
around me.


Tuesday, July 26, 2011

bring a kerchief

i saw war horse on saturday at the vivan beaumant theatre in lincoln center. if you don't know what that is, you should watch this:

it was one of those plays that gets inside of you. it bounces off the walls of your mind like a ping-pong ball. i started crying about ten minutes in and didn't stop until the end. i'm going to have to realize eventually that i am just not able to watch stories about the friendship between animals and humans without a waterworks session, maybe ever.

remember the movie homeward bound? holy shit, i thought my eyes were going to fall out of their sockets on that one. all dogs go to heaven? spent three days afterwards in bed with mild depression. what is it about that bond that we have with an animal that makes me so sad at the threat of loss?

i don't even get that depressed about breaking up with someone. and granted, while i've had death suspended in front of my face for the last couple of years between my father's and grandfather's cancers... i haven't lost someone close to me since jackie died, which was in 1992. some of my acquaintances have done stupid things over the years and have lost their lives due to poor decisions being fucked up on massive amounts of drugs and alcohol, but none have ever been so close that it has affected me. and even when it comes to someone like my grandfather, who's death seems imminent due to old age and a decreased immune system from radiation therapy... well, i know his life has been thorough and beautiful.

it is our impending death that will always teach us the value, beauty, and fleetingness of life.

i guess when it comes to an animal that you are close to, it's like the raw non-judgement of a child... animals don't give a fuck about your past and how you have fucked up yourself and friendships in a selfish plight to find your path. they don't point fingers or tell you how you could be a better person. they are your friend, and all they want to do is cuddle on cold nights.

okay, so maybe my cats also enjoy pissing on my laundry and if i had a horse it would be really uncomfortable to cuddle on cold nights even though i do have a queen sized bed. but still. animals don't judge you. and that's why i get so sad when there are movies and plays about them where they may die.

warhorse was unfuckingbelievable though, and i suggest that you see it immediately.


Monday, July 25, 2011


i have found a new obsession, and it may or may absolutely be a career path i'm currently projecting for my future.

cause, let's face it, i may really suck at it. but i always thought it would be really cool to be able to tell your grandchildren that the checks you write to them are made possible because their grandmother creates and sells these:

that's right.

latex clothing. i have always loved super cartoony fashion... the shininess of the latex and the clean, structured colors create a realistic yet fun and kinda ridiculous sense of fashion humor. i'm seriously obsessed. it seems as if my love for bows and hello kitty has manifested itself into a career. i knew my degrees would pay off, one day.

cafe panache tomorrow, excited and tired and ready for some sleep.


*the website tutorial where you can learn to make little gloves is ch-ch-check it out

Saturday, July 23, 2011

rule books are for sissies anyway

i thought that when you got to a certain age in life, you just, well, had everything handled.

you knew automatically what was in your checking account so that you would never overdraw. you would be responsible enough that you wouldn't ever think of overdrawing your checking account in the first place.

you would know when to gracefully decline and when it's the right time and place to assert yourself gracefully as well. i don't know the line betwixt graceful and loopy.

you would know how to talk to people you think you love, and you would know if you should tell them you love them too, or if you should ever even do it in the first place. THAT one has gotten me into trouble over the years.

the first time my father ever cried in front of me was also the only time i have ever seen the man employ his tear ducts. my parents were getting separated and he was moving out; he was at the end of his ropes and he thought his life as he knew it was over.

of course, it wasn't, but the theme music that constantly played in the background with him was pointing to "devastation". a really beautiful strings piece, if i do say so myself.

i remember him hugging me, i remember him teetering on the line between okay and crazy, and i remember him stumbling over that line as he sobbed into my shoulder.

"i'm sorry. don't let this ruin you. i'm sorry, i didn't know this was going to happen. i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry..."

it was my first adult realization that we don't have rule books for life. he didn't know what the fuck he was doing when he made the decision to rear a child, much less three of them. he guessed, and went on instinct, and from that point on, i knew i could never blame him for the stupid shit he did to me thinking that was what was going to make me a better person.

rule books don't exist. and if they do apply - they're limitations. it's freedom or restriction, and there's not alot of gray area between.


it's so


Thursday, July 21, 2011


the jug is gone, the
sweets poured out,
i've come to love
the tea of doubt, this
loose leeway
spelled wrong, of course,
cause if it's not
you'd lie, but worse;

oh, three am, you're
late but checked, your
coat is all but
nothing left, so
smile, and dance, and marvel
the words which we
create within.


. that's right. sometimes i like to rhyme. but at last i can spell it.

Friday, July 15, 2011


i'm dually impressed with myself tonight.

first, because i somehow managed to finagle my way out of the rest of my shift tonight. i am currently in bed, about to watch harry potter and the goblet of fire with my cats and some kickass pad soon wen.

secondly, i have spent the day thinking about what i have accomplished in the last couple of months. i come home exhausted every night but it has all been worth it. physically, i am bruised and scratched up, war wounds and marley burns and inverting on silks, scaffolding, and makeshift bars. emotionally, i am radiant... i feel as though i have somehow given the skin of my mind a chemical peel or a deep avacado-black sand exfoliation.

things have been making so much more sense recently... revelations about movement and evisceration of distractions flip flop on the shores of my reason, the beached silver tarpons at low tide. it was confusing at first, but now that i've made it through that tornado of work, i'm hungry to take on some more. my appetite is growing as my waist is shrinking... the blood is boiling through my veins and into the steamy seaport dusk, into the movement in the studio and beyond, beyond, beyond.

i'm reading three books right now, all of which are chipping away at different pieces of my mind, and i feel lighter, more fluid, and calm.

so harry potter, a beer, and solitude for tonight, all in the comfort of my own bed. this really is a well-needed arrangement.


Friday, July 8, 2011


"perhaps the most terrible (or wonderful) thing that could happen to an imaginative youth, aside from the curse (or blessing) of imagination itself, is to be exposed without preparation to life outside his or her own sphere - the sudden revelation that there is a there out there."

tom robbins, jitterbug perfume

i think it's best
we never meet,
heroes against heroes
and such.
you talk like you know
but i could be anyone ~
i'm none of those
things, actually,
and if i'd give me
a second i could
and remember art imitates life...
i forgot that
i sold my soul for
a butterfinger in '96
and i forgot
that i had an overbite
the size of
the grand canyon
and i forgot i
told myself that
was something you read
on the back of a
milk box...
these verbs i use are not applied
to the life that i
know and use.
i am ~
and this.
and this.
previously mentioned.
indicated, the
welcome to
new york, i


oh, smile

i could say
the things that make you smile
cause you know i'm thinking of you at
4:38 am.
i could say the things
that make you smile
cause you know i have 13 minutes
to smoke this cigarette.
i could say the things that make
you smile, cause
you know your smile
hasn't been around, i
could say
the things that make
you smile
cause they're the things
that make you smile,
but i won't, cause
you're smiling, and
i hate it.
you'll never know
my red satin sheets
you'll never know
my red satin smile
and you'll
never know my 13 minutes
cause you didn't want to.
and you most likely
didn't ever try.
so draw my face
and write your words
and live your life
without me.
i will never
be that
you'd ever love.


Sunday, July 3, 2011


let me delineate.

nerve (nûrv)
1. Any of the cordlike bundles of fibers made up of neurons through which sensory stimuli and motor impulses pass between the brain or other parts of the central nervous system and the eyes, glands, muscles, and other parts of the body. Nerves form a network of pathways for conducting information throughout the body.
2. The sensitive tissue in the pulp of a tooth.
3. A sore point or sensitive subject: The criticism touched a nerve.
a. Courage and control under pressure: lost his nerve at the last minute.
b. Fortitude; stamina.
c. Forceful quality; boldness.
d. Brazen boldness; effrontery: had the nerve to deny it.
5. nerves Nervous agitation caused by fear, anxiety, or stress: an attack of nerves.
6. A vein or rib in the wing of an insect.
7. The midrib and larger veins in a leaf.
tr.v. nerved, nerv·ing, nerves
To give strength or courage to.
get on (someone's) nerves
To irritate or exasperate.
strain every nerve
To make every effort.

i would like to pay special attention to: number 3, especially to numbers 4sub a-4sub d, and to the idioms of the verb "nerve".

my friend, you have no idea how much the nerve was hit. ain't no novocaine that covers those lousy tracks.


Friday, July 1, 2011

facebook sucks

i can't stand you.

literally, i look at your pictures and i loathe what you are, what you are doing and not doing, and how witty you believe yourself to be.

and i hate that, cause it's fucking up my whole mantra.

send light, send love, and let it go?

not for you, buddy. the way that you treated me, the way that you lied to me, the way that you casually shook it off like it was NOTHING... well. that's certainly what i was to you, was it not? nothing. straight up, plain language, nothing.

and what's worse, is that i stuck around because i believed in who you were and how much talent you had. i believed what you said to me and the thousand "i love you"'s you shoved down my throat cause you knew you could sleep in my bed longer if that's what you said.

i'm more angry at myself than you, i guess, cause i'm a smart girl with no common sense when it comes to love. i'm a girl that believes pretty words with good punctuation and proper grammar, and you knew enough to keep me around.

ugh. if you spent as much time working on your life as you did posting pictures to your stupid blog, you would have made so much more out of yourself than you are now. but it's not my decision, it's yours, as it always has been. so fuck your girls and download your pictures and pretend like how you treated me was cool.

it's not cool. and neither are you.