the underdog

theres something to be said,
for beautiful days,
ones that are crisp and
clear of the settled city haze,
and still, so still
of a quiet this, a languid this,
unpurposeful;
a chelsea shoreline of casino boats
and hypothetical dead bodies,
the wind whipping
my hair into my mouth;
a poolside lounge, oil
crisping my skin brown;
an hour in my bed,
alone and lonely now,
filling the void
of words once so sweetly
said;
this is put to rest, this
enigma of wandering
proportions, of
chaos and kinetics
inside my mind,
i don't like it's grin
any more than i
lend myself to it, which
in turn, is none...
and again, i
read my myths, my
saccharine lies
and see again,
how vacant i've left
myself.



it was pretty today, and i did nothing but lay by the pool and rehash the past.

it seems however much i have learned about the game, i have never engaged myself full up inside it, and this, i see now, is what leads to my eventual demise.

a dreamer, a visionary, a threefold romantic... hah. all just titles. when it comes down to it, i truly believe i just may be an idiot for love, a believer in things less than worthy of my time. i wish for things that won't be, because even though i feel i know who the underdog is, i am the underdog.... if you know how things will end up, it's never surprising when they end. but still i root for them, the same way i wish they would keep up their end of the bargain, with this never ending hope that they will someday prove me right.

the problem is, i don't want to believe there is bad in people, people who i love. people who i want to know more of, people who just don't want me in their life. i can't climb any more walls. i'm tired of giving you all my cards. i just want you to let me be, and go on without me rooting for you any more.

i'm not in the best sorts, right now. i wish... hah. i wish, i wish, i wish.

i wish i would stop wishing for once. the same way you did a while ago.

k.