10 THINGS THAT MAKE ME WISH I HAD A WELL-PAYING JOB

ten. raising my children in a castle.



nine. driving this to work.



eight. commissioning a statue of myself and placing it in the harbor next to this old thing.



seven. the ability to buy my own islands in the shape of my name.



six. being able to go to space. this guy did it, and he looks mildly retarded.




five. buying a boat that looks like an eel and is bigger than most common people's homes and naming him oculus yachticus.




four. being able to call a renovated firehouse (with an ACTUAL FIREMAN'S POLE located in your study) "home".




three. fucking private jets, man. private. jets.



two. finally being able to release my brand-new number one single. and all it took was paying people to make me sound completely different than what i already sound like.



one. at last!!! getting around to landing a deal for my new york times bestselling book. fueled by patchy psuedo-wisdom and written by someone else.