Friday, November 5, 2010

...and i got the t-shirt to prove it

you know what's not fair?

this last couple months. this last couple months can suck a giant cock, cause i've had to be the bad guy, like, all the time.

"i'm sorry, but i won't be able to pay rent til the middle of the month. AGAIN."

"well, i think we need to take time off from eachother."

"what's that? oh, you're not hiring?"

"mom, i need to borrow some money so i can pay rent. i know, i'm sorry, i know..."

"so what if i slept with someone else? we were on a BREAK!!!"

"sorry, i can't teach class, i have to work the day shift so i can get a metro card."

and so on, and so forth.

when 2010 hit, i told myself, "this is it. this is going to be MY year. i can feel it."

and on day one, on the first fucking day of 2010, buying pastrami in my deli, i was slapped with a clusterfuck of an omen. a tattooed archangel, a beautiful monster, a shiny black diamond, mr tennessee... whatever cliche i want to use, he was standing there on the FIRST FUCKING DAY OF THE YEAR.

are you kidding me? in brooklyn? a month after i could go a day without thinking about his burning paper words and stupid sage green eyes? two weeks after the birthday i spent alone? one the first fucking day of MY year?

pity party, table for 1.

now, it hasn't all been a bust. i've had good days, i've actually had great days, where i feel successful and i book gigs and i teach class and laugh with my best friends. but fuck, man. some of this shit just seems so fucking unfair.

not fair; not conforming to approved standards, as of justice, honesty, or ethics: an unfair law; an unfair wage policy.
disproportionate; undue; beyond what is proper or fitting: an unfair share.

hm. beyond what is proper or fitting. not conforming to approved standards. disproportionate. looking at these definitions, it actually seems that my definition of unfair may be too personal to compare to someone else's. if something is so particular to our own standards, then how, really, can it exist?

is it fair that mr tennessee told me he didn't feel about me how he made it out to be? no. but i've been on that side too, and i guess it wasn't very fair of me.

is it fair i lost my job because one of the old staff members came back from chicago? no. but i quit a job four months later after only two weeks with the company because my schedule wasn't working out, and they were the loose end just like me at the other place.

is it fair that my ex enjoys fucking my close friends? no. but it wasn't very fair of me to expect him to grow up at the same rate that i was when we were together, which in turn pushed him to people closer to his age.

fair and unfair only exist to who's being affected. and i guess i've said, "but that's so unfair!!!" more times than i've liked to admit, which is in its own right, unfair. some people will never see eye to eye on their perceptions of fair, and therefore, will never agree on what could be considered "right" or "just".

am i doomed to constantly questioning my morality? to trying to defend my ideas of what i think is right? why can't people just agree with me? we'll form a socialist community of my mind. SCOMM. has a sweet little ring to it.

"We are not special. We are not crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens."
~Chuck Palahniuk

i'm not special because of what i think is right or fair or just or bad... everyone has their own ideas of what's unfair, and it's becoming more and more clear that "unfair" seems a lot more like an excuse to pity ourselves rather than evaluate which direction we can go to make what happened better.

life's shit, and then we die. might as well fuck the unfair and rise to the occasion.


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