survey says... ironyyy

sometimes things are found without even wanting them, among things that have already been there. what thick skulls must we have never to be aware of this, of the creeping possibilities that lie underneath the text...

how do you know if you have found everything you have ever wanted? does a feeling of content wash over you, like them music in a movie, where all problems have been solved and a catchy little jingle fills in the cracks? is there sunshine and dancing and wine, like at weddings? well, most weddings. i've yet to be at one that has rained, but i'm pretty sure the first one i will attend that does will be my own.

i moved to boston to be alone. to get away from the life i had created, to build something different, and something new. i do not regret this. do i miss my old life? yes. it was comfortable and safe and i had steady work and people knew me at my favorite bars and i had a loft full of things that i called my own. so yes, i will answer that question with an affirmative. but. do i love my new life?

yes. i love being alone again and not my students' psychiatrist, or my boyfriend's crutch. i love being able to live (although sparse) in a 15x20 ft room, and having almost all my worldly possessions fit inside... and not worry about how i will transport anything on my next move. i am happy to be alone, even though sometimes, like anyone else, i complain about it.

i sailed this ship into port. i'm aware that all of this around me is my doing. i accept that.

and with as little as i have, i want everything in the world. i want to dance again, and choreograph. i want to teach and learn new ways to describe things to people. i want to be in love and find someone who will laugh with me and fuck me til i shiver in the same breath. i want a loft and a dog and possibly, some kids. we'll see about the kids. but everything else... bring it on.

but how do you know when you have that? the only things i have ever been certain of ever are ballet and death. these two things i know i will do within my life. but what about everything else in between? i certainly have no prior track record to draw from, seeing as that i have never had a relationship that i can look back on and say, "yeah, i think that was pretty stable." none of them were stable. i haven't made enormous amounts of money, nor have i done anything mark-making on my career.

to sum things up: i haven't yet found what i'm searching for. and ironically enough, i think what i'm searching for is the answer to this question: how will i know when i found it? so therefore, i'm not seeking out what it is i want, but just to know the affirmative feeling of when it's there.

i gotta go. i think i just blew a brain fuse.

k.