Tuesday, April 6, 2010

dear douchey mc doucherson... love, v.

so after careful calculation and intensive research, i have decided that i have no clue how people stay in successful relationships. i've seen all mine go down in flames, yet recently, i've been bombarded with the men who enjoy telling me i'm awesome then never calling me again.

if i'm so awesome, what's up with the dead lines, guys? i wasn't aware that we were all wearing our vaginas on our sleeves today...

normally, i don't mind the "hit it and quit it" sense of mentality. i get it; it's easy, it's fulfilling, and it's incredibly low maintenance. of all people, i understand. i don't want the headache of liking you and trying to keep you happy. let's fuck, and move on with our lives. cause i don't need someone in my life telling me they're upset that i was talking to another guy when you walked in the restaurant, or complaining about how i never take the time to listen to your "feelings".

please, motherfuckers. get a fucking career. cause this victim card is getting pre-tty fucking annoying.

now, one could argue that it is me who picks these guys, and therefore i should quit my bitching. but the problem is, you see, that while i pick them and decide to date them, they feed me the "i'm so independent" line with ease, and in two weeks, they are blowing up my phone on a friday night when i'm out with my girl nat. what, all of a sudden your independence swirled down the drain? was there too much independence in your ramen or something? leave me the fuck alone and let me have my fucking space. otherwise, you will have a cantankerous, mean spirited bitch on your hands that fills up your time. i have no patience for people who don't have their own lives and expect me to fill the void of your parents never loving you enough.

take, for example, the guy i recently stopped dating. let's call him... (for sake of playing on his "involved" roots as an italian mafia guy) vito. he was funny, charming, and secure financially. secure financially, however, does not parallel to secure mentally, which was exercised over the last two weeks. the more he talked, the more i was intrigued, and the more skeptical i should have become. lesson learned, again.

i should have read the post about when a person says, "i am such a __________" that usually means they are no such thing. he was independent. he was sweet. he was quite, he was respectful. he was LIES LIES LIESLIESLIES. all mother fucking LIES.

you know what vito is? a downright, wall to wall, card carrying COWARD. talked all this game about how genuine he was.

please. fuck you, vito, for roping me in and then pushing me away. fuck you for telling me i was the most interesting person you had ever met, and to boot, that i was pretty and unique and blah blah blah blah fuckingggg BLAH.

For you to introduce me to your family and have them fall in love with me and ask me to go to brazil with you and all that jazz... it just proves to me what i've been saying all along. i told you i didn't want to meet them, it was too soon. how convenient that they lived in your building and you tricked me into it when your mother was doing your laundry (oh, and by the way, you're 30. grow up and wash you're own socks, you douche), and ps, why would i go to brazil with you? why? i just met you. why would you ask me to go out of the country... did you think i would marry you too, like every other man who proposes to me before they break up with me and run like hell and never call me again? vito, i think everything that comes out of that fucked up grill of yours is a load of horseshit. it's why i didn't believe you the first time i met you and why i should never have given you a fucking chance.

let me say this again. i am a moron for believing that people are all inherently good, and moreover, believing that they will hold up the transparent promises they make to me in the beginning. you made it like you deserved me.

you never deserved me. you just acted like you did. there's a big difference. just cause you can fuck good doesn't mean you should be a porn star, asshole. you have to be attractive too.

oh, and by the way, vito... i'm selling the ugly ass magenta louis vuitton jacket you gave to me, so i can profit off your dumb ass. and i'm going to use the money to get my next tattoo. so, thanks for the ink, and pretty much being a dumbfuck with a credit card, you lazy ass good for nothing piece of shit.

ps: i'm not sure if you've ever heard of it, but there's something out there called invisi-line. you're teeth are terrible. get them fixed.



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