Friday, April 2, 2010

the ones who say "it's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all" can blow me

you should know you've started to fade, the smell of your skin is no longer on my collar. you should know i don't even remember what color your eyes are, although i do faintly remember telling myself at one point they were so sage they almost were hazel gold, whatever that means. i only kind of remember how you wore your hair, the true blonde curling too perfect, like a pantene commercial. i don't remember what your tattoo says on your neck, but i think i have the translation written down somewhere. i do remember it was latin, because just like you, it is a language no one speaks of anymore. i don't remember your shoe size or how long it took you to get ready in the morning, how you looked when you were listening to music or the way your lips felt when they kissed me. i don't even remember what your voice sounds like, which is strange because i remember thinking you talked different than any other person i have ever met in my life, in this great, decisive way.

i have forgotten all these things (and probably many more i will still neglect to acknowledge for fear of seeming cliche) because you have wanted me to, because you made me, because i wanted to save at least a little face in this whole long ride. soon it will be summer, and it will turn to fall, and all these things i only kind of remember will fade to black, except...

how i felt when i was next to you. i felt... well, i felt lucid. caught between everything i have ever wanted and nothing i ever expected to find in my lifetime.

i hope that by fall, that fades too. cause since the day you left, i lose you every day all over again. it sucks, to be frank. i'd rather go back to never finding it.

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