lincoln just turned in his grave, mr. salmon...

(original post: september 29, 2007)

if you build yourself up into an image, you must be able to back all of that up. you can't tell everyone you are one way, and then expect to be recieved jovially as another.

if you're going to be a hardass, then be a hardass to everyone. don't go 99% of the way and then wonder why i think you could be condsidered an asshole. it doesn't work like that.

i met this guy last night, probably the only straight guy in all of wet bar, who found it necessary to talk himself up, as if that would be the final decision for me to accept his hand in marriage (and he did propose to me last night, on one knee and everything, in front of all the gay men in atlanta who were screaming at the top of their lungs - everythings a production, even my proposal). what was funny was that he was acting all hard, despite the fact that he was a property funding accountant dressed in a salmon button down (With the collar popped up!) and tapered khakis. he was telling me how he didn't let anyone talk shit to him and that he was raised basically (from what i could gather) by himself or by a pack of wolves. it was loud.

but anyway, he ranted and ranted and ranted and finally, his friend who was sitting next to him watching him talk to me and say all this shit to me turned to him and said, "bitch, we went to school together and i happen to know that you pissed the bed until you were thirteen." oh. my. god.

i don't think i've ever laughed as hard as i did. and i felt bad, too, because he was a nice guy. he just got caught in a facade. but shit, the timing was beautiful. it was on a break in the music, too, so a couple other people around me heard the burn. sick fucking burn, it was.

but this is the deal. you have the option of presenting yourself to people. you can be smart, slutty, shy, or shady. it doesn't matter. i think it was abraham lincoln that said, "you can be anything you want to... just be it well." hm, or something like that. not the point. however you decide to act, then back that shit up. period. don't tell people you are one way and get angry if they don't believe you're really another.

i'm all for people having multiple layers. that's not what i'm saying. i just think it's important that you aren't a two dimensional image of yourself, and when it comes down to it, that gansta ass would rather run for the exit instead of bashing in someone's head that slapped my ass. mr. salmon would have run for the door and let me do my own defending, which is fine with me. i'm not a damsel in distress. but don't make me think you would be the one doing the bashing.

i am a white-bread (haha it's just my race plus a food), middle-class, subservient lady from a yuppie town outside of orlando. while i wish i could say i grew up on the "streets", or that i am "gangsta" and "hard as nails", i'm not. it would be a lie. i'm not a rock star, cause i'm gravely scared of alot of people at one time... i prefer to spend quiet nights at home watching my tv and talking to my cats. i don't have good street cred. and even though some people may say that's what my image portrays, to be honest, i just like piercings and black hair and tattoos. it has nothing to do with me being "hard", and everything to do with the way i like myself to look.

but i don't tell people differently. i don't make them think i am this gangstaa bitch from the streets. i dont talk like that nor do i act that way, and it would be ridiculous if i tried. some of you who read this may remember the disastrous TI commercial starring your friend kathryne... i think that is proof enough that i'm not very with it. but no matter. i like who i am and i don't think i have to be any other way. if people don't like me, they can suck it.

as for poor mr. salmon, well, we're not getting married. he kind of faded away into the crowd after that, and my prince in salmon armor was no more. it's alright. marriage doesn't seem to be something that wants me anyway. but that's a whole 'nother essay.