Friday, March 21, 2008

what do you tell a bitch with two black eyes?

you looked into her eyes,
the color of
frozen grapes
washing over you
as tears spill out
the sides,
softly telling her, lovingly,
that she wasn't
needed anymore,
watched as she shook
with fear and
hatred and
depravity, thinking
about wherever else
it was
you wanted to be,
but here.
it's not her,
it's you.
the way
it's always been,
not a pebble lost
on your great wall of you.
you cheated her,
the same way he
cheated me,
or she cheated him...
this is not
just about you, and
your waning grip
on your life,
you fucking idiot.
you will never find
another freckle-faced
grace kelley that
sings showtoons in the shower
or kisses your cheeks
as you sleep.
it's too bad
your life is so hard
and your will is so weak.
you should go cry with
the vegans.


i've been thinking alot about relationships recently, as there are different situations arising and failing all around me, while i sit in a stalemate, quietly observing. my best friends moron of a boyfriend took two years of her life and then recently decided he wanted nothing to do with her and the life they built, the dog they adopted, and the car they shared. he said that he needed time to figure out want he wants in life, time to grow into the man he know he needs to be to be with her, and blah, blah, fucking blah...

there's a million things i told her, from my past experiences with men who said the exact same things to me. there must be a manual out there floating around, with correct responses to specific questions. you can find it right next to the "exact things to say to ensure she feels like it's her fault" digest. and i told her some things that made me feel better when i was abandoned, like getting a glass of wine by herself or scratching the eyes out on old photos of them... but there was one thing i didn't tell her, that i am going to explain right now.

no matter if you are male or female, crazy or subdued, blonde or fucking brunette... you take a knife out of the drawer and cut your skin, and you're gonna bleed. we are fucking human, with the same sets of rational thinking, walking in the same metaphorical shoes as the generation before us. we eat, sleep, shit, laugh, run all using the same genetic guide, which is why being a human separates us from all the other animals in the food chain.

point being? GROW THE FUCK UP. if you want to be with someone, do it. if you can't handle a relationship, don't get inside of one. don't cheat on that person with another one because you're too much of a pussy to tell them you're unhappy. don't throw them under a bus because you're too goddamn selfish to understand that you are responsible not just for the way you feel, but the way they feel, too. i've watched this happen to everyone around me, and i've had it happen to me, hell, i've done it to some unlucky men back in the day.

relationships are not about you. if they were, they would not be relationships, they would be, being involved with you. as humans we strive for companionship and comfort but in my experience, lack the ability to be honest enough for communication to work. the most important thing about them from what i've come to understand, is having a working respect for the other party involved, which entails everything from flowers on a first date to making a decision to raise a child together.

i watched my parents in an unloving relationship for years. they fought and split and threatened divorce and talked shit about eachother to me. and for the most part i would sit outside on the balcony, listening to the screams down the hall, hoping for the silence in the days to follow would happen right then, and wish, wish, wish that one day, i would find someone that could give me the respect i deserved. now, after bitter splits and hostile argument with lawyers, watching my mother take off her wedding band in front of me and my firends on her celebratory divorce trip to the beach, feeling my father's tears on my neck as he was leaving the house... now, there is this genuine comraderie betwixt them. i can see it, the change. my father realized how much he needed my mother's strength, and my mother can look past and let go of the mistakes he made in the past. they're not perfect, but there is substance to their relationship now that was never there before.

a relationship is a matchpoint of respect, which grows it's own garden as it deepens. people too often take for granted the person underneath, and let pride and silence and fear fog up the window.

i wanted to drive to charleston just to give nat a hug, and let her shudder in my arms instead of wishing she was in his, and somehow infuse in her that she is one of the most incredible people i have ever met. shit, she has saved me from myself on numerous occasions, whether it be starving my body or loving people undeserving too hard... she is an amazing singer, hitting notes that draw tears; she is a dreamer of unlimitable proportions; she's exotic and intelligent and driven and beautiful...

she is everything that no one else will ever be, and she should be given the respect of a man that isn't a pussy ass little bitch that can't make up his mind about his "life." man up, you fuckin' idiot. you just lost the only thing you had going for you, and now, you're just a pretty face like all the rest of the douche's out there. it's such a shame that you think your life will be more fulfilled without her. and you will never get what you had back. it changed the minute you opened your mouth. pissant.

as for me, well... i should take my own advice on most occasions. i don't really know what i am to others now. all i know is that people continuously surprise me, good and bad, and that plans are really just a loose framework of the future. i guess ive taught myself to take nothing as seriously as you're told, because you will usually be dis-a-fuckin-pointed. and it's been working out great. without the promise of forever, you already have your explanation, and you are never disappointed.

unless it's in yourself, for thinking that way. but, fuck it. all i need is my ipod and a pair of point shoes, and i've got pretty much all i need to survive. i'll figure out the future when i come to it.

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